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I've been trying to figure out what I want to post for a couple weeks. Pathetic, right? The fact that school is kicking my butt isn't helping anything. I can barely focus. But I need to clear my head so...
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I'm anxious.
I'm sad.
I'm nervous {about what, I'm not sure}.
I'm frazzled.
I'm depressed.
I'm excited {to be done with school}.
Did I mention anxious?
The waves of anxiety drive me nuts, especially because they come out of nowhere.
November is never easy for me so that's been weighing heavy on my mind.
You got a glimpse of what's been on my mind from my prayer / poem posts last week. They're what I've been thinking and what I want to be doing but have a very difficult time with. Letting go and letting God.
After so many years of trying to conceive, it just really weighs heavy on my heart, especially when I see so many pregnancy announcements all over the place. I feel so bitter towards those that are able to get pregnant easily and I wish that I could just be happy for them. I want to be happy for them but then the feelings of jealousy take over me and the bitterness comes forth. I have found myself the past year or two even having even more of a difficult time telling those around me "Congratulations". I want it to be me and over and again, it's not.
When people you're just meeting start a conversation with you, usually the first thing that's asked after "Are you married?" is "Do you have any kids?" My lame response is always, "Nope. I've got a dog and a cat." I want so desperately to be able to say, "Yes! I'm a mommy to so and so!"
I still have faith and hope that one day I WILL be able to say that, but it's the waiting that always gets to me. The good thing about this year is that school has, for the most part, kept me occupied so my mind doesn't go "there" as often, but the times that it does, I just want to hide under the covers.
The past few weeks I've been feeling 'blah'. Just an overall feeling. There's something going on in my body but because I don't have insurance I can't just go to the doctor to figure out what it is. Of course, being in all of these medical classes doesn't help. I feel like a hypochondriac...
I've been getting cramps in my abdomen and it's not menstrual cramps, although it feels like it. My back has been really bothering me. So much so that I've sat numerous days with a heating pad on my back / abdomen. I've been getting migraines and I've never been one to really get them. Some TMI, there's been blood "down there" and I'm not sure where it's coming from. Not a lot, but enough to make me question it. Last night I had stabbing pain in one of my boobs. I'm thinking that I maybe have some ovarian cysts, but of course, I can't be sure. Because of my issues "down there", I decided to go to Target yesterday and get one of the tests that can tell you if you have a UTI. From what I could tell it said "Traces" so going by that it recommended getting checked out. It wasn't a definitive "Yes" though {so I'm not going in...pretty much have to be dying before I'll go in}.
Just for peace of mind, too, I took a pregnancy test. I probably shouldn't tell you that it expired in 2004 though, huh?! {Tells you how often I buy / take pregnancy tests}. Of course, it was negative. I didn't think it would be anything but that though. Anyway, that's the low down on how I've been feeling. I wish I could figure out what's going on.
I'm sure my physical feelings of 'blah' aren't helping with my mental feelings of 'blah'.
I gotta be honest, I'm not looking forward to Thanksgiving or Christmas this year either. One reason is because of the gluten-free thing. I'm not going to just be able to eat whatever I want. That's stressing me out. The second reason is because there are new pregnancies and babies in my extended family. I don't want to see the bellies or the babies.
Can I just crawl in a hole and come out in 2011 after the holidays have passed?
I shouldn't write posts when I'm feeling down. They're always depressing. Sorry for the whoa-is-me.
